I almost attempted suicide three weeks ago. Let's start from the beginning. I have always prioritized my education and future. I began taking college credit courses when I was 15 and came into college as a sophomore. While doing so, I was a competitive gymnast and maintained a 4.0 GPA. I graduated magna cum laude and was top of my class. After high school, I was both nervous and excited for college. It was the most significant change in my life. I am determined to perform better in college than in high school. I wanted to maintain a 4.0 GPA and try new things, such as an internship and joining school clubs. However, a few weeks into college, my expectations came crashing down. My classes were difficult, to say the least. I knew they would be, but I did not expect it to be that extreme. My school schedule got in the way of the school clubs I wanted to attend. Even seeing friends was a challenge because of it. I felt lonely and a failure. I continued to struggle my first semester, but I was determined to have a fresh start next semester. Things only got more strenuous. My friends back at home seemed to have moved on. I was always exhausted and could never focus on anything of that matter. My grades were slowly declining. If I had told my 18-year-old self how I was performing in college, I would not believe myself. I knew college was a problematic change, but I did not think it would be this drastic. I had depression and anxiety throughout high school. I was first suicidal when I was 17 years old, but it was on and off. Sometimes I would feel fine, and I did not think I needed help. Other times it was the complete opposite. I began seeing a therapist to cope with a diagnosis of epilepsy and anxiety-like tendencies. I never told my therapist about my depression or suicidal thoughts. I did not want her to be disappointed or think I was getting worse. I was also worried my family would find out I was suicidal. I had two more suicide attempts. I felt that the world would be a better place without me. I am a failure; all I do is get in other people's way. All I do is mess up. Over and over and over again. I have been wanting to get better for so long. I reached out to my college's therapist, and I was denied due to my school schedule. I tried again at the end of last semester. This time I was denied because I needed long-term therapy and they said they could only offer short-term therapy. I knew that some students get therapy for over a year. I asked if I could at least start some short-term therapy there, and I was told no. That led to me almost attempting suicide. I was so stressed and unhappy, and all I could think about was the thought of death. For a school that is constantly promoting mental health, they sure were unhelpful. I decided happiness was worth a little extra push. I scheduled an appointment with my doctor and prescribed antidepressants. I started half a week ago, and I also got some recommendations for therapy. I got some mindfulness books. I am approaching next semester with a new mindset. Winning this scholarship would mean being able to further my education and succeed.

I almost attempted suicide one week ago. I stood in my kitchen alone around 2 am, crying to the point where I could no longer breathe. Would I regret it? Do people who commit suicide go to hell? All I am doing is passing my pain to other people, not eliminating it. I sighed and put the bottle of ibuprofen back on the kitchen counter. In the morning, I drove back to university for finals week. Oddly, I had regretted not attempting the night prior. I counted the pills in the Motrin bottle on the floor of my dorm. There were only 39 pills left, and I knew it would have been worthless to try. I have been suicidal for a few years. I met with a therapist before college, but I lied to her about a lot of things. I grew fond of my therapist, and I did not want her to feel disappointed in me because I wanted to end my life. She only thought I had problems associated with anxiety due to my lies. She had told me not to stop therapy when I got to college. I promised to continue, but when I arrived I was relieved for a fresh start. I thought that I was better and did not need it anymore. The feelings and thoughts came rushing back a few months later when classes became increasingly difficult. I reached out to the campus therapy, but I was rejected due to not having “enough space” for me. I continued to suffer silently. I failed my chemistry class, and I felt like giving up. I had lots of ups and downs during my second semester. I had completely flipped my perspective on life and had started good habits. After finals, I felt exhausted and had lost all of the positive progress I had made. This semester (my third as a junior), my mental health got worse. I have felt lost, inadequate, and helpless for the past couple of years. I decided to give school therapy a second chance last month. However, I was rejected again because they could not offer me long-term therapy. I felt like I was thrown away after all the effort I had put in. The therapist might as well told me I was beyond fixing, and to give up. Which quickly led to things going south. Studying was incredibly difficult. I could never focus. Even the tiniest tasks were tough. Some days, I could barely get out of bed. Unfortunately, I did not land the semester strong. I had not reached the percentage I needed to pass one of my classes. The average person would probably be disappointed but forgive themselves and try again. I have not felt “average” in quite a while. I cried and wished I was dead. Any day I woke up, I felt upset. How could life continue to let me suffer? I tried to make more friends this semester but was unsuccessful. My poor mental health gave me low self-esteem, and I struggled to make friends. I feel like I am always setting myself up to fail, but I just can not help myself. Today, I realized I can help myself. While this may seem like a small step, I signed up for online therapy (not through my school). I bought some books about gratitude, mindfulness, and motivation. I scheduled an appointment with my doctor to see if I can get on antidepressants. I will put in the effort to become the better person I know I can be to succeed at university and reach my goals.

The impossible is now possible: Speech Neuroprosthesis My favorite scientific discovery was in 2021. The study was to convert brain signals into speaking. Some paraplegic people are incapable of speaking. Now, Edward Chang has found a way to change this. He has created a new method for these people instead of typing (for some, this method was impossible). The study was known as “BRAVO” or “Brain-computer Interface Restoration of Arm and Voice.” First, patients with epilepsy volunteered to have an EEG and speak. During an EEG, electrode arrays glued to their scalp picks up brain signals, including speech activity. The patients spoke about whatever they wanted. There were similar patterns. Next, a patient who had not talked in 15 years participated in the experiment. He had a brain stroke and had not verbally spoken since then. Chang then implanted an electrode array over the patients speech motor cortex via surgery. After recovery from surgery, the patient continued to meet with Chang and the rest of his team. Every session, the patient tried to say 50 simple words. Each time he said a word, the electrode array picked up brain signals from his speech cortex. There were subtle patterns for each word. These words were able to be translated with 93% accuracy. This is my favorite scientific discovery because it proves that something believed to be impossible is now possible. This experiment shows that there is more to be discovered, and nothing is impossible. It gives mute people a chance to speak. I can not wait to see future improvements in this experiment.

Changing the Future: Studying Neuroscience At six am on February 14th, 2020, I was found unconscious and lying on the cold bathroom floor. An ambulance rushed me to the emergency room. At first, nobody knew why I had collapsed. I was a walking mystery. Eventually, I was diagnosed with Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy. I had an atonic seizure. One year ago, I was in the hospital for a week. I continued to have seizures despite taking my medication. It felt like there was no progress and everything that had meant nothing. A nurse taking care of me told me she also has epilepsy. I will never forget her, and I will never forget her story. She told me things would get better. Her experience, empathy, and kindness made me believe this was true. I had an epiphany. I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to help people like me. I wanted to help others with neurological disorders, like how my doctors and caretakers helped me. I wanted to be just like that nurse. There are so many mysteries in the neuroscience field. Despite my diagnosis, my doctors do not know why I started having seizures. I am currently part of a research study. Being part of this study makes me hope I will make a difference. However, I want to do more than be part of a research study. I want to be the one conducting a research study. I want to work in a neuroscience lab. There are new discoveries every day. However, there is so much to learn and discover. I know what it feels like to be lost. What it is like for your doctors continually tell you, “I do not know.” What it is like to wonder, “Why me? Why now?” What it is like to return to the hospital multiple times only because no one quite understands you yet. I want to put an end to this. I want to help those neurological disorders and not only study epilepsy. My medication and doctors have saved my life. Now, it is time for me to save someone else’s life. What if there is any way for me to help and change the future? What if I could prevent this? I want to change the future for those with neurological disorders. In the future, I will work with others who have the same ambition as I do. All of this information will not stay in the lab. This information will reach the entire world. Not only people in Ohio. By working in a research lab, I can help people in the world rather than being a nurse or doctor in one facility. I will save many people, and I can not wait to start.

“You’re going to hell!” I was only a freshman in high school. I was already getting threats. I could not hold my girlfriend's hand without getting looks of disgust, rude comments, and harassment. When I started dating her, I was still confused about my sexuality and who I was as a person. I started to feel jealous of straight couples. They can kiss in the hallways without any problem, but I got yelled at by teachers for holding her hand. People who did not even know us would say harmful things. The main one was about going to hell and that it was a sin. I began to feel paranoid. I started to think everyone was judging us and that something was wrong with me. It did not help that her mom was homophobic. She told me it was my fault for “making her daughter gay,” and I was chasing away all the boys. For some reason, I felt guilty. Apparently, I was not good enough for her daughter, and I never would be. We rarely saw each other outside of school after we told her we were dating. Our relationship was not perfect, but her mom did not help. We split up a few months later. When I told my mom I was bisexual, she was a bit confused. I remember we talked about “how could I be loyal” if I am bisexual. She told me I would probably have to be in an open relationship, and I could not get married. There is nothing wrong with being in an open relationship, but I felt hurt that my mom did not think I could be loyal. I hope to get married in the future, and my moms support would mean a lot to me. When I told my mom about my boyfriend, she was supportive. However, when I told her he is transgender, she was taken aback. She asked, “When are you going to date someone normal?” How could someone who wears an “ally” shirt say something so harmful. I did not even know what to say. She is now happy for me and is supportive. I am very proud of her. My educational goal is to graduate with a bachelor's degree in neuroscience. I have always wanted to do my absolute best in school. In high school, I graduated magna-cum-laude with a 4.0-grade point average. I want to do even better in college. I want to graduate summa-cum-laude. I am taking general chemistry this semester. AP chemistry was the most rigorous class I took in high school. I already signed up for an extra class period only to study chemistry. This year, I want to get an A+ every quarter. I am also determined to improve my math skills. I am planning to spend time at the student help center so I can excel. I need to take lots of science and math classes for my degree. I am looking forward to learning more. I have always been a motivated student, but I especially want to do well in college. This year is the beginning of my new journey and my future. I impact the LGBTQ+ community by joining the LGBTQ+ club at Kent State University. If there are any protests to protect the community, I will participate in them. I will speak out against discrimination for those who are too scared to talk back. I love being a part of this community, and I will do whatever it takes to protect it.