“Life changes in the instant. You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends.” - Andrew W.K One year ago, I was sitting in my room with my friends in Tennessee, working part-time at the mall, and coming home to my mother sitting on the couch. Today, I sit on an air mattress in my father’s home in New Jersey, knowing nobody except my family. On September 1, 2023, my life changed in the blink of an eye. The night prior, I had slept over at my friend’s house. Later the next evening, I returned home to my mother and her partner, shot glasses on the table, and a half-empty bottle of Jager sitting between them. This wasn’t new to me; if I had woken up as the clock hit noon, it was common knowledge to not engage. To either stay in my room and leave only when necessary or to walk out of the house without saying a word. However, on this day they proceeded to perpetuate their harsh slurs. It was easy to ignore most of the time. What they’d say was typically laughable. It was typical jabs and slurs of their perceptions of me - but that day, it was progressively getting worse. At first, I ignored it. As my mother was yelling at me for something we had talked about over the phone prior that morning, I proceeded to my room. Then, it was her partner, proceeding to say I had less than a month to get out of the house. Then, it spiraled into him slurring horrendous words and ideals towards me. My attempt to counter it was an innocent act within itself, as I turned my bedroom speaker on and connected my cellphone. It was simple, my mother came in screaming about the music and I responded, “If I have to sit here and listen to you laugh at what he is saying, you can listen to my music.” She turned away shortly after. Then, she returned. Holding herself between the door and the hallway, my body blocked the speaker. She screamed, “You’re hurting me!” as my hands were nowhere near her. She rolled her eyes when I commented. Within five minutes, I was cornered. She, her partner, my small bedroom wall. They blocked the door, I had nowhere to go. I was scared. Her partner stood in the doorway as she came up from behind me and yanked my head down by my hair and I pushed her away. I can imagine you know where this is going. Shortly after the cops showed up. It was the beginning of a three-month trial. That night, I cried in a cold and empty cell. Praying to God, praying for help. I was scared, petrified, traumatized. I held no knowledge as to what would happen next. I didn’t know what to do; I was lost. As the week progressed and my anxieties heightened, I decided for myself that I would never feel this way again, nor would I allow others to feel this way. I decided that I wanted to be the voice for those who tragically lost theirs, for those who were/are too scared to speak. My life was on the line for something that should have never happened in the first place. I have witnessed the judicial system firsthand; I have seen how much one act can impact your entire life. I want to become a lawyer so my clients will never have to feel as alone as I felt that September night.

As I was growing up, my family never motivated me to study harder. Instead, my family would make depleting comments on my grades and knowledge, discouraging me from furthering my education. After graduating High School in 2021, I felt lost and without purpose. I’ve consistently recognized my passions involve assisting others and being a support system for my friends when necessary. It was in September 2023 that I finally discovered my true life’s calling. I found myself in a situation where the misfortune of the legal system caught up with me, resulting in my arrest based on a false accusation. I cannot put into words the fear that overwhelmed me during my trial - my public defender served as my source of support during this time. She provided me with reassurance regarding the outcomes and showed genuine concern for me. Through this experience, I found my calling to become a lawyer - to assist those who have faced similar circumstances. Realizing my complacency after years, I educated myself about this country. It has been harsh, but it has always been eye-opening. I am convinced that college is necessary to pursue my dream career and gain knowledge. Although I despised history class throughout school, I am now captivated by how our country’s past influences our present. My goal is to major in Political Science at the University of Maine, where I’ll delve into the workings of our legal and political systems. Following my junior year, I’ll move on to the University of Maine School of Law. I’m eager to begin my education, to further my knowledge, and to end with a law degree. I have been feeling restless due to my overwhelming excitement for the beginning of the fall semester. I’m excited to step into class on my first day and embark on a journey that will shape my future, and I’m equally excited to gather more resources to enhance my studies. With Political Science as my major, I know that I will be able to further myself in life. I know that I will be able to build a career focused on benefitting those who have faced misfortune as I did. I am certain that this scholarship will provide financial support for my college expenses, like books and other essentials. It’s difficult to find scholarships like this one, and I’m extremely grateful to have discovered it. Thank you for providing this scholarship for students all over the country.

Even in my childhood, I found myself to be sorrowful. I was 11 when I had my first suicidal thought. Unfortunately, my parental guardian didn’t believe in the idea of therapy or mental illness, and I wasn’t able to truly get help until I was 18. Growing up with this mindset has truly shaped the person I am now; it has shaped my career goals, the relationships I’ve had with friends and family, and my perspective of this world. From the ages of 10 to 12, I lived in a suburban neighborhood with my brothers, father, and stepmother. They gave me everything I could want and more, but I took it all for granted. I was given the world and still wanted more. That’s when my mother swooped in. She moved to Tennessee when I was 10. We were 17 hours away from each other, she knew none of the reality around me nor did I, hers. She promised me the world. She engraved into my brain how ‘awful’ my father was and how I needed to be at home and safer with her. This was only the beginning of the manipulation I grew to face. I moved in with my mom shortly after this encounter. I had to dye my pink hair back brown and lower my voice when I got too excited. I was no longer allowed to get off the couch if I were to talk about my day, I would have to sit on my hands so they wouldn’t move as I spoke. I was no longer allowed to say the word, “bro” because she found it to be annoying. I grew to be a shell of a little girl. Slowly, but surely, I grew more and more into my shell. When I was 15, I asked if I could get my permit. She declined. When I was 16, I asked to get my first job. She declined. My mother never drove me anywhere because ‘it didn’t fit her schedule.’ Her ‘schedule’ was coming home from work, opening a bottle of Jager, and drinking until she couldn’t stand. I felt useless, unloved, and ashamed; my mother and her boyfriend would fill the living room with smoke, taking shot after shot, nothing I did was ever good enough for her. She jumped through hoops for my brother, but never me. Worthlessness consumed me, it grew with unhealthy coping mechanisms. After the COVID lockdown, I began to act out in ways my peers couldn’t fathom. I began dating a 20-year-old when I was 17, I snuck out at night to meet with strangers. I started drinking and smoking - I lashed out at everyone. If I couldn’t find worth in her, I sought it somewhere else. Unfortunately, I grew accustomed to the idea of changing myself for somebody else. When dating my boyfriend at the time, I changed my entire person for him. I cut off anyone he didn’t like and burned bridges with my closest friends. He created a story of who I was so he could impress others. I was a fabricated lie; my entire person was diminished to a fabricated lie. When we broke up, I was lost. My ideation with my ex-boyfriend cost me friendships and a year of tears. It took me months to deconstruct the image of myself he built for me and years to discover who I am. Flash forward 2 years, I was 20 years old and still living with my mom. Her manipulation grew to become worse, as did her alcoholism, her words, and her hands. I’ve come to learn some people get happy when they drink, some sad, and some mad. My mother is the one to get mad. It didn’t matter what was happening or what I was doing – she would always find an excuse to take her anger out on me. One night, it all grew to become too much. To make a long story short, I ended up cornered in my room between my mother and her boyfriend. She was screaming out that I was hitting her when my body was behind my door, praying she would leave. Instead, she pulled me by my hair as her boyfriend blocked my only exit. I turned around, pushing her off me which resulted in her boyfriend calling the cops. I had to face an unnecessary trial. One thing that will forever follow me, that wasn’t even the beginning of the truth. My many friends grew to become few. I spent my days inside a room and under a roof that wasn’t mine. I felt powerless. My entire world was flipped upside down. Yet through my trial, I discovered a new purpose in life. At first, I was unsure, but now I know. There will be others who have or will grow up in the same situation as I, others who will face the misfortune of a wrongful arrest. I feared my future for three months, I want to ensure that that won’t happen to others – to reassure them that they will be okay. I’m only 21, but I have seen the horrors of this world. I have seen wealth, poverty, acceptance, and neglect. One thing I have learned is that this world will not care how pure-hearted you are. It does not care if you smile at a stranger on the street or take in a stray dog. Our world will rip you to shreds, but I have also learned that it is how we react that defines us. We can sit stagnant in our fears, or we can face them head-on. My life was put on pause for so long because I feared this world. I have left people and had people leave me because we couldn’t hold onto one another’s baggage. At one point, I couldn’t leave my room for two months without having a panic attack. I am tired of being complacent. Aren't you?

When I was a child, I had no idea what it meant to be depressed nor it was even considered a mental illness. I always envisioned it as being "super sad". From 11 up to 21, I have grown to become a mental health advocate - I've always been the person that people are drawn to express their hardships. While I was without a safe and comfortable shoulder to cry on, I have built my current life on being that person for others. Being the person people go to, I never had that person myself. I was gentle parenting my mind while holding onto someone else's trauma. This caused a lot of pain and confusion in my developing brain - why can I help all these people but not myself? It caused me to fall from God and hurt the people I loved most, but it still inspired me to keep pushing forward. After moving in with my mother in 2017, I was invited to my friend's Youth Group at their church. This was the beginning of what I define as the best part of my life. Through all my trials, I finally found someone who would be there with me. I finally found someone who would listen, help, and hold my hand just as I held others. That is, until one scarce night. I can’t remember specifically what happened. I just remember praying for health, to be better. I prayed and prayed and prayed and then relapsed. I screamed, crying out to the Lord whom I thought left me lonely that summer night. In the years that came after, I found myself holding a wavering faith. There are days when I feel the closest to God that I have been and others where I feel the furthest from faith. I have always said that it’s best to have a belief system, to have a structure. Yet I can’t even find one of my own. Now, not only has this affected me spiritually, but it’s also affected my relationships with my friends, family, and partners. Due to my lack of support during my childhood, I find it hard to allow myself to be vulnerable with my loved ones. It’s caused me to lash out in frustration, to self-sabotage, push people away, etc. I felt so alone that I forced others to experience exactly what I feared. There was one night specifically I can recall that changed the entire trajectory of my life – September 1, 2023. This defined my relations, my faith, and my future. I came home one evening from a friend’s house to find my mother and her boyfriend drinking, again. It's been a problem since I could remember. They drink, they yell, they sleep, repeat. Over the years, I have learned to let it go – to ignore it. This day, however, I couldn’t any longer. My mother often sides with her boyfriend, which never helped with the feeling of isolation. This day, she sided with him on kicking me out – planning my homelessness. They both knew that at the time, I couldn’t afford to move out. I was making $10 an hour and working 15-hour work weeks – my paychecks were small. They were often eaten away by the purchases of dinner (there was rarely ever any food in the house). He snickered at the idea, and I caved. I yelled back to him. He proceeded to call me every name in the book – which didn’t affect me much. It was my mother cheering him on that caused me to break down the way that I did. I tore myself to shreds and screamed to my mother, “You never loved me.” That night, she threw punches, and I threw them back. As I already stated, she often sides with her boyfriend, and she did so as the cops were questioning them on what had happened. I was in my room crying because I was just cornered, slurred at, and hit. They were pouring shots and cheering on my arrest. That night, something clicked in me. I allowed myself to wallow in my depression for too long. I allowed it to eat me away to a point of (almost) no return. Since then, I have built myself back up. There was a 3-month trial, one that nobody in the house wanted. My entire life was on the line – my future, my relationships, everything. I feared the system siding with abusers over the victim, which isn’t uncommon in our judicial system. I feared for months that I wouldn’t be able to experience the years to come. I feared the sounds of sirens coming from any direction, the word ‘cops’ – to this day, I freeze when sirens pass my house. One day, however, as I was sitting passenger in my friend's minivan, I spoke aloud, “What if I became a lawyer?” Without any hesitation, they told me, “Do it.” From that moment on, I have researched the best colleges that can help me get to where I want to be. I have been adamant, more than I have ever been about anything, that this is what I need to do. My mental health has stopped me from finding new relations, it has ruined friendships; at one point, I couldn’t leave my home because my anxiety was eating me away. My mental health, my anxiety, and my depression have told me that I will never be anything to anyone. Here I am, 10 years after my original diagnosis. Here I am, 300 days clean. Here I am, out of county jail. Here I am to prove to every single person I come across that your brain will lie to you. You will overcome every hardship and you will be able to do it.

Have you ever had the world at your fingertips? Everything you could have dreamed of? From the greatest friends to the most beautiful church. Faith as strong as mountains and love so pure? Have you ever had everything just to watch it crumble at your own expense? In Olivia Rodrigo’s song ‘making the bed’ she sings, “Every good thing has turned into something I dread and I’m playing the victim so well in my head. But it’s me who’s been making the bed.” Rodrigo is infamous for opening up to her millions of listeners, to show vulnerability in ways other artists’ have yet to do. In this line alone, she tells us how she had the world at her fingertips, how she knows it was her actions that led her to self-sabotage the world around her, and how it was through that, that she was left to clean up her own mess. Let’s break down each aspect of the lyric: “Every good thing has turned into something I dread.” This is her telling us that everything she once loved, everything she aspired to have and everything that was once so effortless turned into draining activities. Have you ever experienced that? I have. I would spend days on end laughing with my friends, doing everything with them, to sitting in my room. Everything grew to be too much. “I’m playing the victim so well in my head.” During all the times of self-isolation, I would skew the story – just like Olivia. I would create a world where everyone was out to get me. A world that felt as though nobody wanted me around. “But it’s me who’s been making the bed.” As previously stated, this was Rodrigo’s way of telling us that she was left to clean up her own mess. When I was younger, I felt as though I knew everything there was to know about the world. I was so stubborn and head strong that I knew how this world worked. When one thing didn’t go my way, I created a false reality. I pushed away everyone I loved and cared about to experience a world of dread. Is this what it’s like to be a teenager? I believe so. At least, it was for me and Olivia. It was hard, being a teenager. The mental gymnastics, the love and heartbreak, the repercussions of my very own actions. It was hard. Olivia is perfect at capturing the essence of adolescence on her own in her music. The naivety, the blissful ignorance, and self-absorbed perception. To wrap it all together, what it means to experience life in your adolescence is to be naïve. It’s to create messes and learn how to clean them up when you’re left to your own. It’s to experience life alone, to experience the struggle of isolation and any mess you may put yourself through, just to come out of it ten times stronger.