When I was two years old, my mom gave me the nickname "Mary the what-if girl" because I would constantly voice my worries. “What if there’s a fire?” “What if the car crashes?” When I was three or four, it was Christmas Eve and we were driving home from my aunt's house when my parents pointed out a light in the sky and said it was Santa’s sleigh. My brother got very excited but I immediately started crying because I thought Santa would see that we weren’t in bed and wouldn’t give us presents. When I was six, I carried a garbage bin around Kindergarten every day because I was so anxious I thought I would throw up. When I was nine, I got tickets to a Taylor Swift concert. For the next seven months, I had a constant headache. In the middle of the concert, I turned to my dad and told him my headache was gone. I had been worried someone would get sick and we would miss the concert. A few months later, my parents got a call from the school saying I had taken a survey and the results indicated that I was at a high risk of depression. Their response was, “We know.” When I was eleven, I started feeling like it would be better for everyone else if I didn’t exist. I felt I was a burden to everyone who had to deal with me. Mental health is a major part of my life. Some days it’s very difficult to get out of bed and make myself do anything. Some days I don’t like myself. Some days I have anxiety attacks about doing things that should be fun like going to a friend's birthday party or going out with my family. Some days I have anxiety attacks over nothing at all. There are some friendships my mental health issues have hurt. I’m not good at reaching out to people because I feel like a burden so it’s hard to keep in touch. But, I have also made some really good friends because of it. For example, my best friend, Leighla, has social anxiety and often feels the same as I do. A lot of my friends have mental illnesses and we can understand and be there for each other. My mental illnesses have also helped me in other ways. I enjoy creating art and music. Both of those help me feel better when I’m struggling and my mental health issues have also helped me create better art. I am also very interested in psychology. In high school, I took every psychology class they had. My college major is still undeclared, however, I want to major in psychology. I don’t know if that means I will become a psychologist or do something related, but I want to help people, especially children, who struggle with mental health issues. My mental health issues have also given me a different perspective on many things. In addition to myself, I have met many people who seem fine but are struggling. Because of this, when I interact with others, I keep in mind that I don’t know what they are going through. I try not to judge people from one bad moment and also treat everyone kindly because they may need that. Ever since I was a little kid, mental illness has been a big part of my life. It has affected every part of my growing up and I am sure I am a different person than I would be if I had been “normal.” While I would love not to constantly worry or feel like a burden, I believe I am a better person because of my experiences and my experiences can help me help others.

When I was two, my mom made up a rhyme about me because I would constantly worry. “Mary, Mary, the what if girl. She “what ifs” the most in the whole wide world. What if the sky turns green? What if the grass turns blue? What if the cows say quack? What if the ducks say moo?” This became my nick name and was repeated any time I voiced a worry, which was often. When I was four years old, on Christmas Eve, my parents pointed out a light in the sky and told us it was Santa’s sleigh. I immediately started crying because I believed Santa would beat us home, and because we weren’t asleep, we wouldn’t get presents. When I was five, I carried a garbage bin around Kindergarten every day because I was so anxious I thought I was going to throw up. When I was nine, I got tickets to see Taylor Swift, my favorite singer. For the next seven months, I had a headache because I was worried someone would get sick and we would miss the concert. In the middle of the concert, I turned to my dad and told him my head felt better. This same year, my parents got a call from the school, saying I had taken a survey that indicated that I was at a high risk of having depression. My parents responded, “we know.” When I was 11, the suicidal thoughts started. I didn’t really want to kill myself, but I didn’t want to be alive. I definitely didn’t believe I would be alive today and be graduating high school. I have so many more stories like this. While my mental health is not as bad as it used to be, it is something I struggle with every day. I get anxious about every little thing. I have days where I want to lay in bed all day and struggle to do anything. There are days I think it would be better for everyone if I didn’t exist. I have anxiety attacks about small things like doing the dishes or about nothing at all. My mental health issues affect me every day. However, I have a therapist. I have developed so many techniques that help. I find that listening to or playing music helps me feel calm. I have learned how to live with it which is something I couldn’t do when I was little. Because of my struggles with mental health, I have become very interested in psychology. I have taken all the psychology courses my high school offers. Next year I will start college. It is terrifying to leave my support system and everything I know behind and this has made my anxiety a lot worse recently. Yet I am very excited. My major is undeclared but I am very interested in majoring in psychology. I will definitely be taking psychology classes. I don’t know if I will become a psychologist or use this degree in another way, but I want to help other people, especially children, who struggle with mental health.

I was diagnosed with Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, a painful and life-altering connective tissue disorder, two days after my thirteenth birthday. I had to use a wheelchair to trick or treat; I spent more time with my doctors than I did with my friends; during the homecoming dance Freshman year, I watched everyone have fun while I sat against the wall. I missed half of my eighth-grade year and even more of my ninth-grade year, which I did partly online. So when I was given the opportunity to be the first patient to go through a new inpatient pain rehab program in February 2020, I was really excited. Maybe I would finally be able to go to school, be a teenager, spend time with my friends, go out without a wheelchair. I was admitted to the hospital for three weeks, January 27-February 14, and I worked really hard to get better. I did 3-4 hours of physical therapy every day and built my strength to the point where I could walk for half an hour without needing a break; before, it had been hard for me to walk to the mailbox. When I got out of the hospital, I was so much stronger. I wasn’t in so much pain, and I was so excited that I could finally live the way I wanted. I went to school the next week and got to go for a total of three weeks before Covid got bad and the world shut down. My dreams of living life as a normal teenager would have to wait. At first, that didn’t seem like a big deal; I had waited three years, what’s a few more weeks. But I quickly got frustrated. I had been waiting for this for years, and as soon as I got healthy enough to live my life, then everything shut down. Why can’t anything go my way? That was the mindset I had for a while. In the meantime, I was trying to find creative ways to get my physical therapy done; I had been counting on walking around during school to help keep my strength. One day, my family decided we needed to get out of the house and get some movement in. We went to a hiking trail nearby and went for a walk. When I saw a big hill, my nerves immediately hit. Anytime I was expected to do something I thought would make me sick, I got super nervous, and walks like this usually made my joints dislocate, and my heart rate goes to the 170s, causing me to flare. But I decided I should go anyway - a flare wouldn’t be that big of a deal since I was home all of the time. I started walking, having to force myself to put one foot in front of the other, and I got to the top. The whole time, nothing dislocated, and I felt ok. We took a family picture in front of a lake and then went home. I looked at my watch, and I had just walked for 20 minutes! A few months ago, I wouldn’t have thought I would ever be able to do it, and now it’s not even that difficult. COVID-19 has taught me that I can’t plan everything; I need to appreciate what I have, not dwell on what I don’t. A month before COVID happened, I was sure that I would live the best year of my life. I would finally be happy and healthy and like all of my friends. Honestly, 2020 was nothing like I expected it to be, and many disappointing things happened, like losing my grandpa and missing the rest of the school year. But in many ways, it was still an amazing year. I understand myself in the world so much better now, and I’ve learned to be grateful for what I have and to love my body, crappy connective tissue and all.

I can confidently say that these photos captured the boldest thing I've ever done. Only weeks before, I finished a three-week hospital stay, during which I did over three hours of physical therapy every day, and I worked very hard to get healthy enough to do this. I spoke to 200 pediatric pain doctors at an international conference in the Bahamas. I got to share my experience as a teenager with chronic pain. Doing this helped the doctors understand what their patients go through and know how to help them. I am so proud that I got to do this.