When I sit down a create something, I allow the thoughts weighing me down to spill out. Creativity is meditation for me; it is a time when I don't feel time passing. I feel like it's easier to be in the moment when I'm using my mind and hands to make something unique, something only I can create. I've always loved customization, making spaces, objects, and experiences my own. It lets me enjoy what is special to me. I don't have to choose a pre-made, default option when there is so much I can have fun doing on my own. The creative process is a learning experience. Not everything I make turns out great, it can end up being a failure. But I learned more from it than I would have if I stuck to the instructions. Bending the rules and pursuing what I want is not always something I could do in high school. But entering an art college has been a liberating experience; I've never had this much free reign in class assignments—creativity and figuring things out as I make them has been my favorite way to learn.

I've always loved to learn through being creative. All kinds of creative activities that allow me to use my hands and challenge my mind to problem solve are the things I'm drawn to. I wanted to try so many things in school and felt frustrated when I couldn't spend more time on these things. From making music in an orchestra, printing 3D parts in robotics, and using a poetry wheel at a local art studio, I value my ability to create more than anything. "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Unfortunately, I realized I had to narrow my creative focus. Everyone was choosing what path they wanted to take, and for the longest time, I couldn't figure out which path I would be the most successful in taking. I knew for a long time that I'd be an artist, but I took part in so many different things that I was afraid I wouldn't be able to specialize and be the best at just one thing. "What kind of job do you want?" Even though I've chosen to be a design major and I'm well on my way to graduating, I still don't know how to answer that question. Being so passionate about making art in diverse mediums has given me experience but also made it challenging to figure out what I wanted to do. I landed on graphic design as my answer during my senior year of high school, despite not having much experience in digital art. I chose this because of its variety in the art industry and because I knew it would be a new challenge for me. After all, I'm going to college to learn a new skill. So this led to a realization. My passion is learning. Most things I engage in are creative skills because I love the freedom they bring, but in general, I tend to lean towards experiences that I know will challenge me. My passion for learning is a passion for adventure and seeing new things, discovering myself and what I can do. I fear missing opportunities and experiences, so choosing one thing to specialize in is very difficult for me. I don't want to enter a career that feels limiting or repetitive. Art always carried me through these decisions and remained the most consistent interest of mine. It helps me get everything out of my head when words fail me; sometimes drawing feels as relieving as stretching when I stand up. Art projects change and bring new challenges; I look forward to the next part of my life as a designer. I know that if I feel stuck or limited in a project, something new will come along.

I experienced my first migraine when I was 14 years old, each one I've had in my high school and college years introduced new elements. These elements, the side effects I experience, are shared among many people who suffer from migraines. When I made a mixed media art piece about my migraines, I didn't expect so many people to connect with it and see their own experiences in my work. As a high school sophomore, I entered an art competition called "Long Island's Best Young Artists 2017". To be one of the 300 selected out of all the high school artists on Long Island, your work was judged and chosen to be displayed in the Heckscher Museum of Art. The prompt for these competitions was the same every year; we were challenged to make a piece of art inspired by one of the artists the museum was currently featuring. I chose a sculpture titled "Anxiety" by Lawrence Schloss. His depiction of anxiety in a physical form was very moving to me, and I strongly related to it. I chose to create an art piece about an experience of my own that I felt strongly about. Migraines tend to be unique from person to person; commonly, they involve a very painful throbbing headache. Numbness in the hands and face, sensitivity to light, and jumbled speech with reduced ability to read and write during an attack. A less common symptom is a visual aura. Visual auras always intrigued me and prompted many strange sketches in my notebooks; they are scary and exciting for me to watch when they evolve. They can be dark or light spots that cloud one's vision, or in my case, an arc of zig-zag lines and geometric formations that grow over the course of 30 minutes. My entry for the 2017 Heckscher art competition features five canvases linked together, each representing the things I experience during a migraine. I viewed it as a rather abstract-looking piece, but the more people saw it and talked to me, the more I realized I wasn't as alone as I thought. Some people saw the aura pattern on the lower canvas and said that's what they see too, this was a fantastic feeling. People like me were recognizing what each canvas meant and got it. The art I had created brought together a community of people suffering from the same affliction. It felt good to have that understanding, as I'm sure it was a good feeling for the audience as well. Knowing you are not alone, and being able to talk about your shared experiences with a community of people, these things are uplifting when you feel held back by your condition.

Other peoples happiness makes me happy. Especially if I can make someone laugh. Hearing laughter when I expect it is incredibly validating to me. If I can make someone laugh in a genuine way then I feel much more comfortable in that social situation. People are hard for me to read, the most frequent intrusive thought I have involve people pretending to like me. Being social scares me, having a successful conversation is great. When I've made someone laugh then I know for sure they're having a positive experience talking to me. When I say something and get no reaction it worries me a lot. I have no idea if I was acknowledged, or maybe I said something wrong? Hearing someone quietly laugh or giggle is nice. But loud laughter is the best, it's genuine. I can tell when it's genuine, and how someones normal laugh sounds versus full laughter. I always want people who talk to me to have a positive experience. I know it's impossible to please everyone, but I still try to make people smile. It makes me happy when I'm the cause of someone else's joy.

One of the biggest things I've uncovered about my identity is my disability. During the pandemic and the peak of quarantine I was stuck at home and began to notice more of the unique ways my brain works. So I started researching more about ADHD. The troubles I experience with working at home and school have always been present, but the long period of isolation made my issues more apparent to me. I knew that having a formal diagnosis would put my mind at ease, but more importantly, I'd be less hard on myself. Knowing my learning style and making adjustments for my needs has helped my mental health greatly. I don't force myself to do things I can't, because if I can do something to the best of my ability once I've taken a short break then why wouldn't I? I was embarrassed when I 'ran out of steam' more quickly than my peers, but I am just as passionate about learning and improving my skills. Knowing how I think and work and being kind to myself are skills I wish I had years ago.

I'm proud of my creative skills. being able to come up with ideas quickly is something I pride myself on. But in terms of improvement, I do need to work on executing those ideas. It's easy for me to solve creative problems and know what I want the outcome to be, knowing where and how to start is difficult. Executive disfunction from my ADHD could be a contributing factor, but I know that I'm also afraid of failure. Caring less about a perfect outcome will help be advance my creative abilities. Having a clear mind is difficult, my thoughts are frequently racing. Being an artist and making work that will be successful is something I constantly want to achieve. Failing to get where I want to and messing up my project in the process is something that is embarrassing to me. I think that once I let go of others expectations and embrace more of my own, I'll be able to reach my potential as an artist.

Humans are very stubborn. I see good things in this quality we share. A weed spreading through someones lawn is stubborn, but it's thriving. We are stubborn in a way that will help us survive. We don't stop when we are satisfied. On one hand this leads to overconsumption and climate change. On the other hand, we never stop wanting to improve our quality of life for ourselves and others. Compassion for humanity is why I have hope for the future. If we can continue caring about each other and working towards the common goal of survival, then we might have a longer history on this planet. Humanity has changed so much so rapidly on planet Earth. Like stubbornness, this statement can be interpreted in positive or negative ways. We're destroying the environment at an unprecedented rate. But we're also making innovations in technology and improving lives just as quickly. If this planet becomes uninhabitable some people will find a way to live for as long as they can manage. If we all put in the effort and face the danger in front of us, perhaps we can have a better future. I didn't want to go for a run today, but if I did, I would feel better tomorrow. We can't leave bigger issues for another day, it will only be easier the sooner we start. As a future graphic designer I hope to inspire action in the environmental movement. And hearing about all the ways people are doing their part makes me hopeful. Spreading the word through design and getting involved in making changes, big or small, can help change the future. I want to be able to see bees and butterflies in my garden when I'm old. I hope future generations can experience nature as we have it now, or perhaps even better when we implement more green technology. As a species we have what it takes to hold onto life. We can be stubborn and engage in our self destructive behaviors, or we can be stubborn and not let go of the ideals that lead us down a better path.

I wish I could be as brave as I want to be. And sometimes I need help getting out of comfort zone, but its still bravery to me. For some people being brave is something like skydiving, for others it might be telling someone you love them, or even making a phone call. for people who suffer from an anxiety or panic disorder like myself, being 'brave' can appear to be simple actions to those who don't relate to our struggles. Making that phone call, saying hi to an old friend, raising your hand in class, are very brave. It's about perspective. In high school I took a public speaking class because I knew it would make me uncomfortable, I wanted to push myself. Even though many of my close friends were in the same class as me I would still feel paralyzed. Every time I finished speaking, I would return to my desk sweating and my heart pounding. My whole body would shake uncontrollably. Some classmates could present work with ease and I envied them. I felt hopeless, like no one would ever see more of who I was. So I refused to give up. After high school a lot of my social anxiety went away on its own, and entering a college for artists gave me a new sense of confidence. I still feel odd when I speak, but I've found that its getting easier. I keep speaking, I mess up sometimes, and when I realize people don't care, I can do it again. Today I actively participate in class, and even if I am awkward who really cares? I'd rather regret saying something dumb than regret when I didn't speak up for myself.

Providing more information about therapy and making it easier to find the right therapist are things we should put more focus on. Being able to accept help from others is hard for a lot of people to do. Starting to talk to a therapist was the turning point for me in recovering from seasonal depression and general anxiety. But I know some people who don't want to talk to a therapist. I've been speaking with a therapist for over a year and I sometimes forget about my own hesitation with starting. People have different reasons for going to therapy or for avoiding it. I've noticed the recurring issues people have with therapy include, difficulty opening up to people, a fear of being judged or looking weak. But so many people can benefit from therapy, I encourage people who are on the fence to just try it at least once. Seeing a doctor for your mental health is important, like seeing a doctor for anything else. Sure, 'powering through it' could work, but why struggle alone? A therapists job is to listen to people vent about their troubles, remembering this helps me feel less reluctant to unload my anxiety-filled week to my therapist. One of the most beneficial parts of talking to a therapist for me is having a fresh perspective from someone who just met you. My therapist didn't know me, couldn't have any judgements, and what therapist would judge their patient anyway? Opening up to a stranger is a daunting task for many people. But a therapist is a stranger who is there to listen, not to judge. I trust my family, but some things are just better to discuss during my therapy session.

When I was little I went to an after school program called "Big Buddy Little Buddy". High school students would come to the elementary school to spend time with and participate in fun activities with the younger students. I didn't know it then but the program was aimed at helping kids like me develop social skills and build friendships. I still see my Big Buddy occasionally. I wanted to be someones "Big Buddy" and provide that support, to be a friend and a guide to someone. A memory I have from high school that always makes me happy is when I offered a girl a seat next to me. When I took the bus to school in junior year of high school I saw a very shy girl get on the bus and slowly walk to the back looking for a seat. One day she walked back to the front of the bus, she was quiet but I could tell she wanted to ask to sit somewhere. I asked her if she wanted to sit next to me. The smile on her face made me so happy. So we sat together almost everyday on the way to and from school. We became each others support. It was comporting for both of us to know we had a bus buddy, one thing that was certain in the daily schedule. We talked very frequently. What I always want to be able to do, is provide that kind of comfort and companionship to people like me. The girl I sat with on the bus reminded me so much of myself when I was younger. And interacting with another person who experiences the same anxieties is wonderful because when it comes to shyness, I know there is mutual understanding and patience between us.

Since I was in middle school I was surrounded by people who struggled with depression and anxiety. I guess we all stuck together because we understood each others struggles and could provide some support. I did alright comforting my close friends from 6th grade and onwards. But in 8th grade I had my first experience with seasonal depression. I experience seasonal depression in the summertime. It always seemed strange to me because winter is when most people get these feelings. But the summer after 8th grade felt like the longest couple months ever. At the time I didn't really know what depression was, and I was scared. I remember telling my mom that I felt hopeless and wanted something to happen wether it was good or bad. I'm in my junior year of college now, I've been going to therapy and started taking a medication for my anxiety/panic disorder and ADHD. But it took me a long time to get here. Sometimes I wonder what took me so long to ask for help. I feel like I wasted so much time feeling terrible when I could've seen a doctor. With this awareness and stability I've been able to better support those around me struggling with mental health. I can see more of what makes me who I am, I can enjoy time with people more, and I can continue to be a friend people can count on. From my battle with anxiety and feeling out of place for years I've learned that if I want to help people to the best of my ability, I need to make sure I prioritize my own mental health.

The impact I want to leave on the world involves leaving less of an impact on the environment. I don't want to stress about the climate in my future or my family's future. To ensure a good life for future generations we have to think about the future now. Things are changing rapidly and my climate anxiety is getting worse. My goal is to lessen these anxieties in future generations by promoting green technology and sustainable living. As a graphic designer I face the dilemma of contributing to consumerism. Not everyone had flexibility in what jobs they can attain, but when I can, I will remain conscious of the brands I work with and what kind of influence I want to have. If I work for a clothing company designing advertisements, I want to be working for a company that is aware of their impact on the environment and open to making decisions with the planet in mind. If I find myself in the position to be making these decisions later in my career, I will contribute to climate activism to the best of my ability.

I take pleasure in being in motion. I am incredibly grateful to have the mobility I do. As an individual with ADHD, a lot of the stimming (self soothing actions) I do involve moving my body. I took dance classes since I was 3, for a total of 15 years. I believe that I’ve always had the tendency to move when I hear music because of dance. The release of pent up energy and the surge of joy I get from listening to music while dancing is essential to get through the day. If I don’t have a space free of people and objects, I’ll look for one, I'll even stand in the small bathroom space of my dorm room. It’s a simple but integral part of how I function. When I listen to music it has so match my energy. So my taste in music is all over the place, and I tend to play a handful of the same songs on repeat for awhile until I find a new one that makes me want to move. There was a point in my life where I was more embarrassed about dancing by myself. I danced in the basement away from everyone, multiple times a day, and when someone caught me I’d stop. But once I figured out no one was bothered by it, I was less embarrassed. To further clarify, when I dance by myself it's not well choreographed or planned. It's a mix of pacing, kicking, arm waving, stretching, however my body needs to move in that moment. When I'm not on a stage I am not graceful, I'm free. It’s something I enjoy, and I need it to regulate emotions and stress. Stimming and fidgeting is different for everyone, and it's important to listen to your body.

Feeling joy to me means forgetting what time it is. When I'm really happy, I'm not focused on work and its time limits. Taking part in activities that bring me joy means I get totally absorbed by them and time doesn't matter. Deadlines and time constraints are constantly on my mind, I rarely give myself a break or time to be in the moment. When I'm experiencing joy, when I'm focused on that feeling, I am not worrying about when that experience will end or when the next part of my day will begin. Enjoying a moment and being present is a skill. I've had a lot of time-related anxieties in my daily life recently and forget to stop and appreciate where I am. So when I do, I feel free and joyful. I'm trying to give myself mental breaks, even when I know I'm busy. Having time to be relaxed and joyful can improve my productivity. I can get back to work with a clear mind. I frequently feel guilty for indulging in free time and activities that bring me joy. My mind is restless, I find myself at war with my need to relax and my ambition to always be working, to always move towards a goal and achieve something. But in rare moments that I can let go of these thoughts, and I don't think to look at the clock, I feel joy.