Transitioning from adolescence to emerging adulthood and navigating life as a junior in college has allowed me to reflect on my values, goals, purpose, and what makes me happy in life. I have learned important life lessons, particularly this past year and a half as an independent adult away in college: how to be patient yet assertive, collaborate with diverse perspectives, and find my voice. I have continually been excited for my future, though that has not guaranteed a secure sense of happiness. More recently, I have been practicing consistency and mindfulness to cultivate a sense of happiness in my life. I have learned that progress is not linear and that it is more healthy to strive for consistency than perfection. My TRiO advisor in college has introduced me to the practice of "noticing what you notice" to hone in on what is making me experience positive emotions and experience flow. After weeks or even months of filling up pages with notes on what is making me happy, I will be able to group together themes and apply them to my academic and career goals. One of the moments of happiness I noticed from today was hiking to the beach with my friend. It was sunny and refreshing- I felt energized and in my body; I am grateful to live in the Pacific North West and to have access to the water. I have noticed I am the most happy when I am in nature, and I am constantly pondering how I can integrate nature into my life and career goals, particularly in a field like education that is most often separate from nature.

Over the past four years, I have begun to learn what it means to practice radical acceptance: My college journey began in 2018 as Running Start student in rural Washington. My life shifted from knowing everyone in my school to having different strangers in each of my classes. I grew distant and quiet, and I struggled to talk in my classes- I dealt with impostor syndrome every day, especially as a first-generation student. Two years later, I graduated with a 4.0 GPA on my High School Diploma and AA degree. I hit the marks academically, but socially I felt inferior; I felt unable to be my authentic self. It was not until my last in-person quarter of Running Start that I took a 2-credit class that changed my life. It was called "Stress Management and Wellness," and we learned practices that promote well-being and reduce stress. Each week we would identify a stressful event and utilize stress management tools that we learned in class. Tools included progressive relaxation, breathing exercises, and other mindfulness practices. I say this 2-credit class changed my life because it allowed me to build a tool kit that helps me stay grounded in reality, accountable for my actions and attitudes, and more aware of my body, mind, and spirit. I have utilized the tools that I have gained to manage and overcome my social anxiety. Now, in my second year of college post Running Start, I am able to fully engage in my classes and take initiative in my life- I no longer freeze in social settings, but I am assertive and excited to learn from the new people I meet! The most important thing that I have learned about myself through this not-so-linear process is that I have a voice; I am enough.

Some of my warmest memories are with my best friend, my biggest role model, and my biggest supporter- my grandma. Recently, I went to her for advice after a family fight and to process a build-up of negative emotions. She lovingly provided a shoulder to cry on and wise insight on life. After a meaningful and productive conversation, she led me to resolution. Although the day started with built-up resentment, bitterness, guilt, and a flood of tears, it ended with gratitude. This is one of endless happy memories I share with my grandma.

Existing in a culture that defines success in terms of productivity, patience is bravery. Patience goes hand in hand with being present and taking full accountability for the reality of your actions and attitudes; practicing patience in a society that prioritizes profit over well-being is an example of the selfless leadership necessary to make positive change. Mindfulness is not only an important practice of self-care, it directly relates to an individual's capacity for collective-care. Being mindful allows us to be grounded in the reality of our environment, internal and external, rather than a version distorted by anxieties and depressions. Projecting into the future and reflecting on the past are uniquely human capabilities that allow us to set goals, learn from our mistakes, and grow as people- a balance of focus on the past, future, and present is needed to avoid becoming paralyzed between the anxieties of possible future realities and depressions of unchangeable past realities. When our mind dwells in a distorted reality separate from our physical body, our well-being is negatively affected, impacting our capacity to care for ourselves, let alone our community. Ultimately, to create positive change at a community level, we need to find time to practice patience for ourselves in order to have patience for others and our environment. Mindfulness is one resiliency practice that requires bravery and exemplifies selfless leadership. Patience undeniably matters: positive change can only begin with patience.

Growing up, I used to grab three or four short children's books off of my bookshelf and read them to myself before I went to sleep. I developed the priceless ability to deeply visualize people, places, events, and stories. I am better able to manage stress due to my visualization practices; I am forever grateful for the worlds that reading has opened for me, particularly the world of ballet! The only experiences I have with ballet are going to see the Nutcracker on a school field trip in the 5th and 6th grades and learning a few ballet positions in the after school program in elementary school. Although my ballet and dance knowledge is limited, I was still able to deeply connect with "The Cranes Dance" by Meg Howrey. Her storytelling highlighted the nuances of ballet, such a calculated and perfection driven sport, at least from the outside. The slice-of-life story was told through the lens of a professional ballerina, yet any lack of ballet experience does not at all inhibit the relatability of the story. Themes of relationships, mental health, sex, and substance abuse significantly resonated with me, although I had little in common with the protagonist. Having first read "The Cranes Dance" in my early teen years then proceeding to re-read it when I was 16 allowed the themes to marinate and for me to reconnect differently with a few more life experiences. I look forward to reading it again now that I am entering a completely different stage in my life, closer to the age of Kate, the main character.

Undoubtedly, this past year has inspired fundamental change at global, national, and individual levels. My own worldview has significantly shifted due to global events, but most notably as a result of my father's passing earlier this year. Unfortunately, my story of loss is not unique, that being all the more reason to share it. In July 2020, I was planning a day to spend with my dad and my best friend. We hadn't lived together since I was in fifth grade, and I had noticeably been compartmentalizing two particularly divided sides of my life- my life at home and my life with my dad. Having just graduated high school, I was ready to independently integrate the two. Then, I suddenly had no contact with him for almost a month. A few days after my 18th birthday, a text from his sister explained that he had been hospitalized for three weeks. Everything had changed, and my usually future-focused self was forced to stop and reflect. Barely six months after his diagnosis, he passed away- a skeleton of his former self. For months, I blamed a lot of things on myself, even though most were out of my control. My aunt and my dad’s girlfriend had known he was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer from the start, while my siblings and I found out about a week before his death only when I overheard it in conversation. I still experience waves of guilt and regret- I wish I wasn’t so afraid of hurting his feelings; I wish I wasn’t so scared to tell him how I felt and to ask how he felt, to lay everything out on the table while we still had the chance… I do not allow myself the chance to hesitate anymore. Say what you mean, and say it now- that’s what I titled my first poetry chapbook I wrote shortly after his passing. Through reflecting on my time with my father, and on my own life and values, I have grown to be more present-minded. Throughout his suffering, I had begun to feel that I too did not have a future. I didn’t apply for scholarships, thinking I might not have enough lifetime to graduate college. I began to overwork and isolate myself- I grew impatient and hostile. My family grew even more divided, and there are still many unresolved conflicts. I tried reaching out to his girlfriend and got dismissed through text… My aunt has kept my siblings and I out of the conversation from the beginning, and has continued to keep all of his possessions out of sight from us. People grieve differently, and I have learned I can only live my own life according to my own values. I have learned that time does not heal wounds, but it does allow space for reflection. With help, and with time, I am working on securing a sense of control in my own life. I am reaching out to my community, talking with career/academic advisers, and making plans to live out my dreams of studying abroad. I am currently in the planning process to study abroad in South Korea in the 2022-2023 school year. I have made goals for myself that I now know I can achieve; I hold stronger values that are driving me towards an immeasurable future that I am ready to live.

"Never goes away, but it all works out." -Tom Petty I was introduced to this quote through a Phoebe Bridgers cover of Tom Petty's song "It'll All Work Out" at the time I needed it most in my life. In March of 2021, my father passed away after suffering from cancer. His diagnosis was in August, and he withered away over a short six months. My worldview, values, and perspective on time significantly shifted throughout his suffering. I reflected on my time with him, as well as the time I had left, of which I felt I had none, or maybe I felt that I didn't deserve any more. My usually future-minded self was forced to reflect. On the other side, I am now much more present-focused, and I have loosened my grip to gain more of a sense of control in my life. I listened to the cover for the first time within in the past year, and that line bounces around in my head when I begin to need it the most. If I am anxious thinking about the future, or too focused on my past regrets, I sing that line to myself and feel grounded. I have learned it really doesn't go away, things don't get better, I don't miss my dad any less, but things all work out in their own ways. As much as I wish my dad was still here, I am appreciative of the time I have had to reflect on my own life and values- the pain will never go away, but it has all worked out.