I lost my cousin Alec to suicide. But when I say cousin that is strictly the blood term, Alec didn't have the best parents growing up, therefore for most of his time, he spent it with me and my mom (his aunt). Alec was closer to a brother more than anything. In dealing with this loss, I have felt myself empty and numb, I consider myself a faithful Christian but in this time my eyes have been clouded and grey. At times I lay awake at night questioning, what is the meaning of it, why do we even move through this tragic and painful life. Sometimes I ask myself what am I even doing here? My motivation has plummeted, I can't even pick up my own guitar anymore let alone stare at myself in the mirror. I walk around my college empty, maybe in a sense when Alec died, so did I. In his note, he wrote to still see the good, to still believe there is joy, to move forward. Kind of paradoxical that he couldn't follow the own words he wrote. Keep in mind, that I lost Alec not even a few weeks ago. And here I am using his death to apply for a scholarship, impossibly selfish of me. And yet. These words have echoed and danced across my brain like a brilliant flame. "Keep moving forward". Alec believed he did not have the choice to get better, that he had failed his life. At only 22 years old. Such a brilliant, beautiful life, with an amazing future ahead of him. I guess he didn't see it that way. I haven't fully overcome this loss, to say I have would be a lie. I don't think anyone ever overcomes it; we just learn how to deal with the pain. But in his dying wish, I will keep moving forward, and not miss any opportunity I have been graced with. This scholarship is one of those opportunities, it provides a way to relieve the stress on my family and I, and to continue in my academic careers. As dark and lonely I have felt in these last few weeks, I still recognize my future. The world is going to keep moving, and while Alec might stay 22 forever, I won't. I reject staying static. In these sad, tragic times, I have learned many things, and I have come to question many things. But in terms of learning, I guess it would be to look for the signs, to be more involved, to spread awareness, to love. To love unconditionally. To love even if you are having a bad day. To love even if they don't want it. To love even if they are gone. I've been so angry at myself and at the world. At Alec, for leaving me. But he was hurting, and he didn't a find way out, and I could never understand how he felt. Hindsight is always 20/20. I guess I'm supposed to explain why I deserve this scholarship... I can't give any better reason than the other applicants, we are all hurting, and we all need it equally. But I need to keep moving forward like Alec wanted, so here I am. Colton Yogerst.