I prayed, at first, a little Girl Because they told me to- But stopped, when qualified to guess How prayer would feel -to me- And told him what I’d like, today, And parts of His far plan That baffled me - The mingled side Of his Divinity Till I could take the Balance That tips so frequent, now, It takes me all the while to poise - And then - it doesn’t stay - Often, I have witnessed characters self-reflecting and utilizing religion as a tool to evaluate their own needs. From the perspective of a Christian teenage girl, this appears completely backwards because my experience with religion has increasingly become reliant on God’s view; not my own. In my understanding of religion, the most important lesson has to be one of selflessness. Religion is a relationship for me, and I am privileged to be able to talk to the creator of the universe. I have come to view God as a Father figure, not a genie to fulfill my wishes and earthly desires. I ask for guidance and direction; I ask for grace and forgiveness; I ask for a continuously evolving heart that strives to be more like His. I do not tell God what He must give me, but I ask for what He knows I need. This shift of mind creates a trust between Father and daughter that is not built by viewing oneself as the only factor in the equation. In Emily Dickinson’s poem, numbered “546”, this self-reflection is absent throughout the narrator’s journey. This instilled the question; how does religion act as an outside influence to motivate an internal reflection that questions whether the experience could be personal? First, Dickinson’s writing highlights the religious journey of a young girl. She begins with: I prayed, at first, a little Girl Because they told me to- But stopped, when qualified to guess How prayer would feel -to me- This opening statement begins by a character faced to conform with outside pressures, resulting in a prayer that is embedded with a trace of fraud. It follows with a response looking inward, asking herself about her own opinion. I believe that the girl begins to give herself the credit to think about religion, but why does she make this decision? There must be an explanation for why she is provoked to make conversation with God more than a mandated maneuver. I questioned what these outside forces could be: possibly a church, family, maturity through age, or peer pressure. The most plausible answer to this is coming of age and growing a sense of independence. The once-young girl is becoming older and starting to feel less dependent on the beliefs of others. Lines 9-13 read: And told him what I’d like, today, And parts of His far plan That baffled me - The mingled side Of his Divinity This illustrates the cognitive development that is emerging in her relationship with God. She evaluates religion as a mathematical equation where her interpretation becomes a factor to consider. Dickinson repeats the reference to prayer that she opened with, only this time her driving force to communicate to God is based on what the desires of the little girl are. Dickinson uses this continuation of prayer to show what the girl is starting to make of religion. In the beginning, it seems as though the narrative was created by the sense of requirement that the outside source created. It feels like the girl has to pray. Now, she is driven by a personal want for something. I question; how could this reflect on her character itself? I think the external forces could be conflicts that make the narrator need help. This also highlights the subjectiveness of religion and the seasons of faith that occur at the pace of each person's life. I think Dickinson writes with a sense of generalization to make the reader question what the narrator isn’t discussing. She is discussing her internal feelings, but not the forces that inspire them. An explanation that attempts to reason out her perspective on religion could simply be her lack of experience. Through a lack of knowledge through situations, she has not yet felt the hurt of realization in emptiness offered through greediness that results in the “tell and receive” attitude she demonstrates. Dickinson’s lines demonstrate a grapple with the reality that humans cannot predict the future plans that God has for them. It clearly perplexes the young girl that she does not have an answer embedded with clarity and decision. The girl seems to look internally for trust and question where she should put her faith. Should she allow the development of a relationship with God, or should she limit religion to a set of rules? Dickinson follows with lines 16 and 17, “To have a God so strong as that / To hold my life for me”. After these two lines, there is a stanza break, which illustrates the shift into doubt that the reader develops. Lines 18-22 read: Till I could take the Balance That tips so frequent, now, It takes me all the while to poise - And then - it doesn’t stay - Dickinson draws extensive contrast between the faith the first two lines carry in contradiction to the last four. I immediately questioned if the girl is hypothesizing that God really could be so almighty to hold her life for her or if she is declaring this faith. I think the poem acts as a journey through faith for the narrator. Another question arose when I analyzed both texts collaboratively; does Dickinson equate maturity in the depictions of the characters with doubt, or does she present a perspective to illustrate how faith can conflict with doubt over the different seasons. I think Dickinson uses age as a representation of time, as she develops the "little girl" who prays out of obedience to the adult who can't rid herself of her own skepticism. Throughout passing time, there is always some kind of growth present. I think that even in seasons of wavering faith, one can still develop. For example, the times where my faith has been strengthened the most is when I am struggling the most. Times of uncertainty require one to lean on God as a refuge for your hurt. When Dickinson writes about her broken beliefs, she paints a picture of a narrator who is learning. An additional excerpt from a William James essay titled “The Varieties of Religious Experience” reads, “If a man is at heart just, then in so far is he God; the safety of God, the immortality of God, the majesty of God, do enter that man with justice... Character is always known.” This text makes me wonder if James is literally associating man with the traits of God. I think this establishes the personal connection between God and man. I also question if the characteristics of God are subjective to the perspective of each individual. James discusses the importance of personal experience when working through a religious journey, so I believe he could be showing the internal change of heart a person experiences through God. This could answer the foundational question, by illustrating God as an outside influence to provoke character improvement. I have been faced with many different approaches to religion that challenged my own. This has evoked a diligent effort to evaluate firmly and stand behind my own beliefs through God’s guidance. The gap between Dickinson’s poetry and my personal experience is illustrated in the fact that the outside influences have brought me to realize all the more that I need a relationship with God, because I, in fact, cannot live without it. The quote, “And then - it doesn’t stay- ” shows that she creates a character who is viewing God as a far away being in relation to the closeness of herself, whereas I have learned to live with God every day. He is personal to me because He is a part of me.