First of all, I’d just like to say thank you for doing this. I don’t think people understand what it is like to stop being a Jehovah’s Witness, and how difficult it can be to attain a higher education afterwards. I was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness and left when I was 16. My entire family on both sides were all raised as Jehovah’s Witnesses as well. At a young age, it seemed great. We visited Bethel, we always had congregation picnics in the summer, and I had many friends from several halls. I remember being so thankful that I was raised in the one true religion, and I felt a sense of superiority over my classmates. For a long time, I was very proud to be a witness, and I dreamed of going to Bethel. When I was 12, my mom got disfellowshipped for wanting a divorce from my dad. This was shortly after her father killed himself, and she became severely depressed. I didn’t know it at the time, but I later learned my mother was also an alcoholic, and my dad was physically abusive towards her. Even with the knowledge of his abuse, the elders still chose to disfellowship her. It was shocking to see my mom in that state, and to see all her friends and family over her entire life turn against her. I remember one meeting, an older sister told me that if I didn’t bring my mom back to Jehovah, I would never remember her in paradise since she wouldn’t be there, and if I remembered her, it would make me sad. This was probably my first ‘WTF’ moment.
There were many factors which caused me to leave, and it was a process that took years. One factor that started my questioning was getting access to social media. Seeing posts that promoted feminism, LGBTQ+ rights and other similar issues made me realize how uncomfortable I was with teachings on women’s rights and homosexuality. As I got older, I also began to see how women were treated. There were several girls I was friends with who had experiences with being assaulted by older brothers, only to be told by elders that it was their fault, and not to go to the cops. This led me to start investigating other wrongdoings the organization had done; The letter to Hitler, killings in Malawi, and endless coverups of sexual abuse. The last straw was when I had friends from my high school telling me it was too extreme for me to consider getting baptized at the age of 15, and I shouldn’t dedicate my life to a religion with such harsh standards. Shortly after this, I fully stopped attending meetings despite pushback from my family, and I decided I was no longer a Jehovah’s Witness.
Since I have left, I’ve gone through so much personal growth. I’m currently attending college 1,500 miles away from my hometown, which has helped me to gain independence and to leave my past. I’ve gone to parties, I have worldly friends, and I have the authority to express myself how I truly want to. One of the biggest changes I’ve undergone is my beliefs and spirituality. Since I came to college, I’ve found myself interested in Buddhism and Taoism. Teachings such as the importance of finding balance, interconnectedness and letting go of what you cannot control has helped me cope in life. I’ve also realized that religion and spirituality does not have to be the center of my life, and just because I don’t dedicate my life to some higher power doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. My view on life has shifted from having a concrete standard for what is good and bad, to understanding that life is far more complex than any human can truly describe, and often good and bad mix together into nothing. Another change I had was realizing the effect that being a JW had on my view of relationships. It was difficult to understand that many people my age don’t want long term relationships, and this has led to unrealistic expectations. I was naive, and I truly thought if I didn’t get into a relationship soon then I would always be alone. I got into my first relationship a year ago, and we both had expectations for it to be long term. However, the pressure of changing my life for him and giving up parts of myself just to make him happy was too much. I didn’t realize it, but I was still trying to conform to the JW standards of dating to marry. Now, I’ve realized that I don’t need to be in a relationship to have purpose, and it’s probably for the best that I don’t put all my energy into a relationship. I want to travel, learn more, and live a more independent life before I settle down with anyone.
Some of the biggest support systems I’ve had are my mom, and my new friends I’ve made in college. I attend the University of Idaho, which has led me to meet several people who were raise Mormon is Southern Idaho and left under similar circumstances. It was through meeting these people that the stigma of sin, and worldly people, was eroded. For once I wasn’t judged for being rowdy, wearing what I liked and listening to the music I liked. They encouraged me to get new hobbies and not to fear or judge other people. I love my life, and all the friends and experiences I’ve gained. I am so incredibly happy that I made the choice to leave when I did. Life is hard, in or out of the organization. But having freedom makes it worth it.
Being gay and a witness is a rough combo. I was born into a very "spiritual" family and got baptized when I was 12. It wasn't long after that I started to come to terms with my sexuality.
It affected my mental health. It didn't make sense how I was doing everything for Jehovah and had to deal with this when everyone else was "normal". I read every article under the sun but it didn’t help. If being gay was a bad habit, a kink, and a choice, why did it not go away when it was something I hated about myself so much?
I thought being the best witness would "fix" me. When I was 17 I began pioneering and later became an MS at 18. For years, I shut my mind off to stay focused on the "truth". I couldn't handle the tears, suicidal thoughts, and sleepless nights I had during my teens. My family would always make fun of me for being emotionless but I had to avoid acknowledging that I was gay and alone. Instead, I did as much as I could in the congregation so I wouldn't have to think.
When the pandemic hit and witness life paused, I had no choice but to face this elephant in the room, and how unhappy I was. I started talking to people online through dating apps. It didn't take long for me to realize that what the Watchtower says about being gay is not true. It is more than a sexual perversion, the romantic connections are the same as any straight relationship. There is nothing harmful about it.
That was the first time I ever disagreed with the Watchtower. All it took was one unshakeable doubt that caused that "strong foundation" of faith to come crashing down. More and more I noticed doctrinal flaws. I was willing to give up so much of myself believing in their promises, but if they are wrong then what's the point?
Growing up, I was always a good student but was only allowed to get an associate's degree at a community college. I dreamed of having a real college experience but never dared express that desire. I graduated summa cum laude with an associate's in Information Technology. I became a part-time web developer, but it made very little. I was 25 with no career, no money, and was living with my parents and I needed an exit plan. I used the time in the pandemic to focus on my coding so I could get a sustainable job. I eventually did, found an apartment, and moved out. That was a huge step in being able to untangle my life.
While living on my own, I made my first "worldly" friend and started dating someone who would eventually become my boyfriend. Those two helped me see a life on the other side. They also made me realize just how empathetic and kind-hearted "worldly" people are. I learned that conduct does not equate to your qualities. A gay man with tattoos who curses, and watches violent movies can have more empathy, love, and compassion than any witness. You don't need a "Bible-trained conscience" to be a good person.
One night, I was telling my friend about my situation as a witness. He told me that regardless of whether or not I chose to leave, he would always support me. That stunned me. What a contrast to how witnesses view relationships. It was the first time I felt unconditional love.
I lived a double life for a short time, but once it was announced that door-to-door would resume, I knew that was my deadline. Never again would I knock on a door and try and sell this misery.
My parents are too insane and controlling for me to be able to fade. I had to face them. This was the hardest thing I ever had to do, and I was deeply afraid of my father. I never disobeyed him in my life and never spoke negatively about the religion. I had to tell the person I feared the most the worst thing he could hear.
On Sept 6, 2022, I went to their house, told them I was gay, and that I was done with the "truth". It's too difficult for me to describe how that night went, or the weeks that followed, but it was done and I was free. I refused to talk to the elders, so the hall had a marking talk about me a month later. As hard as it was, I am so unbelievably proud of myself for having the confidence to face them and speak my "truth".
There has been an immense amount of healing I have gone through. I used to think I was worthless, unloveable, and destined to be alone. I've now learned to value myself, love myself, and stand up for myself. I love the person that I've become. I wish my family would bump into me and see the person they were never allowed to see. The boy without emotions has a full heart.
My bold departure had an impact on others too. A few months after leaving, my cousin left. Shortly thereafter, two of my close friends left. They told me it was my leaving that woke them up, which made everything I went through more than worth it. Between my amazing boyfriend, and my close friends old and new, I have my own little family.
As time goes on, I can build my identity beyond this cult I happened to be born into. Some in my life have given me a pep talk about discovering my potential since I was always a good student and no longer needed to limit myself. I am now pursuing the Computer Science bachelor's degree my parents wouldn't let me have. This scholarship would be a huge help to me in paying my tuition so I can see what I can make of myself in this life.
